Swine flu just gave us a week’s holiday. Sure, we like holidays, but not when we have to compensate by giving up our actual vacations! Peeved and aggrieved, we would like to tell the H1N1 virus, enough is enough. The pig flu flew? Big deal. We’ll bring it back down.
Here are a few tips to save the day from swine flu.
Cover your nose and mouth with a handkerchief when you sneeze in public. Did you just roll your eyes and say you already knew that? Hah, trick tip. If you have a cold, you shouldn’t be in public. Stay at home if you have the slightest symptoms of swine flu.
Still, if you must be in public, please cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze.
Whatever you used to cover your nose with, there is no need to open it and critically evaluate changes in appearance, if any. Put that handkerchief out of sight, immediately.
Find a way to get food and lodging near Kasturba Hospital. (Seeing as you won’t be allowed to drive up to Kasturba whether you have swine flu or not.) Both facilities are available at the not-coincidentally-nearby Arthur Road Jail. And for free, too; but law-abiding citizens are disqualified.
Drop the ‘no-carbs’ diet. Diets compromise on nutrition. If you’re going to be a flu-fighter, you need your health. We know you’re dying to kick your diet Do it, so that you don’t need to kick the bucket. Take the flu as a sign from above.
A good morale will always push up the immunity. No, we’re not asking you to make new friends or get a hobby or anything demanding like that. We at Raga have a better panacea for all kinds of gloom. A solution designed to cheer and uplift. We call it Malhar.
Raga Thing to Do: Grow Your Hair
“If you don’t go to the barber today, I’ll cut your hair while you’re sleeping.”
- Warning issued by contemporary mothers.
The days are gone, my friend, when a long and fuzzy mane was symbolic of masculinity and a superior genetic make-up. Moses, Jesus, Hindu deities and most other forms of god were depicted with wonderfully unkempt tresses. Our Saviour even sprouted a splendid beard to keep his shoulder length hair company.
The point is, in the days of yore, locks of long, thick and relatively filthy hair were a man’s pride. Not only was it a status symbol, it was also very practical. It served as a ready-to-use pillow on occasion, it helped shelter the scalp and was useful to keep the flies out of one’s ears. As a defence mechanism, it softened blows to the back of the neck which we now know, can kill instantly. Hair was not only allowed to grow on the scalp, but flourished unhindered around the facial area and on the limbs.
However, today, the Metrosexual Man (or Salman Khan, as he is also known) has the gall to throw dirt in the eyes of our forefathers. It is lucky that bushy eyebrows were also in vogue during those days, or else our ancestors would have been rubbing their eyes for days. The Metrosexual Man urges us toward short hair, even encouraging baldness in the hotter months. Blasphemous! Disgraceful! Slander and libel.
Unfortunately, the Metrosexual Man has captured the minds of some deluded and misguided souls. Even Amitabh Bachchan, the veteran and hero of old, sports but a mere ponytail in the only movie where he acts his age (Cheeni Kum).
The extremist views of the Metrosexual Man must not be allowed to roam free. Do not let our culture and tradition be so eroded. I beg you to remember the message that god first gave Adam. “Go forth and multiply those locks!"
Raga Thing to Do: Name Your Umbrella
Naming an umbrella is an important step in its psychological growth. Misnomers can be disastrous, often leading to severe identity disorders. Raga advises you on things to keep in mind while naming your darling protector.
First you must determine the sex of your umbrella. Look at the handle. If it is curved, your umbrella is likely to be a female. If not, then you can safely say that it is a boy. To be on the safe side, engage it in a long conversation while walking in the rain and settle on its gender.
Attitude is important in deciding a name. Does your umbrella jam just when a sudden thundercloud bursts overhead? Does it fall apart at the slightest touch? Naming an umbrella Stubborn, when it is really an Accommodating at heart might scar it for life. Similarly, naming Diarrhea Jammed might lead to Diarrhea throwing more water tantrums.
Does umbrella mia believe in Marx or Smith? Observe it carefully. When it rains, it pours. When it pours, does your umbrella swing to the left or the right? Are your clothes moderately, liberally or conservatively wet? If you have an opinionated umbrella, this might be a wonderful opportunity for you to fully explore its political tendencies. Say hello to your new Stalin and Gandhi.
First you must determine the sex of your umbrella. Look at the handle. If it is curved, your umbrella is likely to be a female. If not, then you can safely say that it is a boy. To be on the safe side, engage it in a long conversation while walking in the rain and settle on its gender.
Attitude is important in deciding a name. Does your umbrella jam just when a sudden thundercloud bursts overhead? Does it fall apart at the slightest touch? Naming an umbrella Stubborn, when it is really an Accommodating at heart might scar it for life. Similarly, naming Diarrhea Jammed might lead to Diarrhea throwing more water tantrums.
Does umbrella mia believe in Marx or Smith? Observe it carefully. When it rains, it pours. When it pours, does your umbrella swing to the left or the right? Are your clothes moderately, liberally or conservatively wet? If you have an opinionated umbrella, this might be a wonderful opportunity for you to fully explore its political tendencies. Say hello to your new Stalin and Gandhi.
Raga Thing to Do: Shave
Apparatus includes a razor, shaving cream, aftershave and Band-Aids. Precautionary measures entail a Mach 3 Turbo blade, and an actual beard for it to shave. Those young lads who haven’t hit puberty yet but are feeling slightly adventurous are the ones meant to try this exercise, but do not attempt it at home folks.
Procedure consists of spraying a certain thickness of lather on the facial area situated below the bridge of the nose. After this very carefully tilt the shaver to an angle of 1.48 radians exactly, while gripping it firmly with index and middle finger comfortably positioned. Slide it along the incline of the jaw, with a gentle, downward, sweeping motion. Wash off accumulated lather, and possibly some hair. Repeat till bored or till only traces of shaving cream are left. Apply aftershave, and feel cool. Realise that the aftershave burns like hell, and stop feeling cool.
Observations are that aside from white cream, very little else comes off and that shaving isn’t as easy as it may seem. Conclusion: shaving is something that should be constricted to girls’ legs. Also ‘the best a man can get’ really isn’t that good.
Procedure consists of spraying a certain thickness of lather on the facial area situated below the bridge of the nose. After this very carefully tilt the shaver to an angle of 1.48 radians exactly, while gripping it firmly with index and middle finger comfortably positioned. Slide it along the incline of the jaw, with a gentle, downward, sweeping motion. Wash off accumulated lather, and possibly some hair. Repeat till bored or till only traces of shaving cream are left. Apply aftershave, and feel cool. Realise that the aftershave burns like hell, and stop feeling cool.
Observations are that aside from white cream, very little else comes off and that shaving isn’t as easy as it may seem. Conclusion: shaving is something that should be constricted to girls’ legs. Also ‘the best a man can get’ really isn’t that good.
Raga Thing to Do: Read the Online Raga
Addictions can destroy one’s life. Once an individual is hooked, it takes but a few months for him to deteriorate into the dregs of society. Recently, we have learned of some people’s craving for the Raga, and how their lives have been shattered because of their inability to acquire the finest writing Malhar has to offer.
Do you spend sleepless nights before Malhar, with visions of the Raga dancing in your head? Have you tried to get into the Comps room for weeks? Did you succeed, and just when you were about to open a file labeled ‘Raga Content’ were you found out, and therefore defenestrated?
We at Raga understand your symptoms. Relax, it’s a disease. This is why we give you Raga Therapy. It is easy and effective: read the Online Raga in the weeks leading up to Malhar. Do this everyday. You will find yourself better rested once you have had your dose of Raga for the day. This can be addictive in itself, but who said that was a bad thing?
Do you spend sleepless nights before Malhar, with visions of the Raga dancing in your head? Have you tried to get into the Comps room for weeks? Did you succeed, and just when you were about to open a file labeled ‘Raga Content’ were you found out, and therefore defenestrated?
We at Raga understand your symptoms. Relax, it’s a disease. This is why we give you Raga Therapy. It is easy and effective: read the Online Raga in the weeks leading up to Malhar. Do this everyday. You will find yourself better rested once you have had your dose of Raga for the day. This can be addictive in itself, but who said that was a bad thing?
