The Raga gives OCs Logs, Graffix and Finance a platform to air their views on elbow hair, Medimix, and free food.
What are you? Define yourself in one word.
David Rodrigues (OC Logistics): Me first? Hi, I’m David. I’m OC Logs.
Raga: We said one word.
David: One word? ‘Log’. And ‘Thirsty’. Oh, wait. I’m awesome. Write that!
Sebastian Cyriac (OC Finance): ‘Hungry’. I’m always ‘Hungry’.
Habiba Insaf (OC Graffix): Paintbrush.
What is your favourite movie?
David: The Departed. Everyone dies in the end. Except the rat. [Debates ending with OG Raga.] Habiba: I don’t know… There are so many to choose from.
Sebastian: Oh! The Dark Knight. Maybe Rainman.
David: Yeah, The Dark Knight.
Why isn’t Malhar your favourite movie? How can you call yourselves dedicated to Malhar?
[There is a shocked silence as they realise what they got themselves into. Sebastian is the first to reply.]
Sebastian: Because it’s still in production! [Punches the air, looking like a kid who knows he has the right answer.]
David: Yeah, that. No one famous is acting in it. And none of the actors are hot.
Habiba [mumble, mumble]: I agree with them. It has to be over for me to like it.
What is one thing you like and dislike about your OGs?
David [to Habiba]: You go first.
Habiba [to David]: Why me? Okay, fine. I like them because they are all my friends.
Raga: So that’s why they’re OGs?
Habiba [flustered]: No, no! They’re all good. [Tries to cover up.] I don’t like them because they like Texxx more than Graffix. Yes, I think Fatema has a thing for Keegan.
David: I like my OGs because they don’t take crap from anyone. There’s nothing I don’t like about them. Wait. They don’t buy me food.
Sebastian [looking visibly disturbed at David’s reply]: They wanted to make a chart. I told them not to, but they went ahead and made a chart. [Rocks back and forth, highly traumatised.] I like them because they do their work.
If you were a participant, which event would you take part in?
David [excited at the prospect]: Band event. I’d play the keyboard, vocals and guitar. Oh, and all big prize winning events. JAM, because you get to sit in an AC room. Mr. and Ms. Malhar. I wouldn’t win, but you get attention.
Habiba: Street Dance.
David: So you think you can dance?
Habiba [defensively]: Yes, I can dance, okay?
Sebastian [after a long, thoughtful silence]: I’d take part in Red Wheelbarrow, Raga’s entrepreneurship event. [Smiles and smirks to nobody in particular] I thought well.
Raga: Yes, you did.
What kind of phone are you?
David: Beetel. Because I’m reliable, and it’s reliable, so we’re both reliable. [Sounds pleased with himself for making such a leap of logic.]
Habiba: I’m a Blackberry. I do everything.
Sebastian: I’m a Nokia 1100. It’s sturdy and cheap, like me.
Who do you think designed the current ID cards?
Habiba [happily]: Souvenirs.
David: Me. No, wait. Graffix!
Sebastian: [mumbles something about the dress sense of certain college authorities. We let it pass.]
Dogs or cats?
Sebastian [bored]: Dogs.
David: Dogs. They’re more fun. Can you imagine playing fetch with a cat?
Raga: Yes, you can. They’re easily amused.
David: Oh, you mean your imaginary cat. Just like all your friends. [Raga is not amused.]
Habiba: Cats. They’re much cuter.
If you had only one strand of hair on your body, and you could let it grow as long and thick as you wanted it, where would it be?
David: I can’t tell you. Fine, if you insist, it’s on my left hand. Just below my elbow. Oh, I know! My right nostril. No, wait, on my foot so that no one can catch it, pull at it.
Sebastian [Looks at David’s elbow with much suspicion and disgust. Then, to us]: What will you do with this information?
David: You’ve never had anyone pulling your chest hair, that’s why you don’t understand.
Sebastian: Eeeeeeeeeee. [After much insistence, he finally concedes.] On my back.
Habiba: I’d rather be bald. I can live with that. Fine, then. In my armpit.
What would you do to a volunteer who disobeyed you?
Sebastian [looks embarrassed]: I don’t have volunteers. Okay, okay. [looks sheepish] I’ll beat him. (Oh, we believe you.)
David: I’ll send him to Assistance as punishment.
Habiba [grins evilly]: I’ll shoot them with a paintball gun.
What is your animal spirit?
Habiba: Tigress! I’m as wild as one.
Raga: In bed?
Habiba: That’s classified information.
David: Beaver. [To Habiba] We can name you Habeaver!
Sebastian: Dog. Saint Bernard. Because they are nice.
Have you read the Online Raga?
Habiba: Yes, it’s red. Why was it red?
David: Yes, I came across it accidentally from the Malhar website.
Raga: Do you know that you’re in Malhar the Movie?
David [suddenly excited]: Really? Where? I want to see!
Sebastian: [mutters something about the Raga.]
If Michael Jackson were to come to Malhar as a judge, which event would he judge?
Sebastian [makes a face, then grins]: Face painting. [Leans back, satisfied with his answer.] Habiba: Illuminati. He would glow like the neon lights.
David: He’d be in an event without minors. Okay, okay. I’m sorry. He’d be in a Logs event. Yes, I know Logs doesn’t have events. It could be a barricading event.
If you were organising Conclave, what topics would you have?
Sebastian: Oh, no. We have to think now.
David: Who said Conclave would be there? Okay, fine. Environmental issues. Power to the Peepul.
Sebastian [laughs]: No, no. We must have Conclave. There’s A.C. and free food, remember? Habiba: We should have a Malhar themed Conclave. Ooh! We could make up Malhar gossip!
What is your favourite word or phrase?
Habiba [happily]: Serendipity. It means the accidental making of happiness or something like that.
Sebastian: Why So Serious?
David: Tatterdemalion. No, antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sebastian [mumbling]: I didn’t know you had to say long words. [Proceeds to mumble long words under his breath.]
Habiba: Wait, wait! Change my favourite word. **** has become my favourite word ever since Malhar.
Which soap do you use?
Habiba: Lifebuoy.
David: I don’t know. Whatever’s in the bathroom man. Sometimes it’s white / pink / green. Sebastian [to David]: Tu nahata bhi hai? [to Raga] That…pink one…[the Raga helps him out with Lux] Yes, Lux. It comes in packs of four. It’s really cheap. I don’t have hair, so I don’t use shampoo. David: Yeah, so that’s just feathers on your head, man.
Why don’t you use Medimix?
Habiba [makes a face]: Ewww.
David: What is Medimix?
Habiba: It’s a herbal soap. It smells awful.
Sebastian: Hostelites are very hygienic. We don’t use soaps like that.
David: And I met Santa Claus.
Where did you put your sedative prescription?
David: With my physics—no, my chemistry notes.
Sebastian: That is so David, man. I just give it to my roommate. He’s a small boy from Conclave. Habiba: I just steal David’s whenever I need mine.
David: So you have my prescription? Give it back! [A scuffle ensues.]
If you were conducting this interview, what question would you ask yourself?
David: How cool are you? The answer is ‘very’.
Habiba: Can you talk more than David? The answer would be ‘no’ [Emphatically.]
Sebastian [looking at David]: Can we have fewer interruptions?
Water, water everywhere, but ____
David: It’s not cold.
Habiba: Not… not [thinks hard] [continues thinking] in my underwear.
Sebastian [thinks]: Take it from the Bible, “Not a drop to drink.” [We tell him it’s not from the Bible.] Oh NO! Wait! Big Mistake! It’s the Coleridge guy, right? [Ponders deeply.] Okay. “Water water everywhere, but it’s okay.”
You useless piece of ____
Habiba: ****
Sebastian: Coprolite.
David: Fecal matter.
Touch that ____
David: Touch what? Oh, wet paint.
Habiba: Hey! That’s mine.
David: Fine, you take it. Touch that Assistance volunteer. (Why?) No reason, really.
Sebastian: Posterior.
The Man in the Mirror
“What a heavy burden is a name that has become too famous.”
Michael Jackson died on June 25th, 2009 at the age of fifty. He left behind an ex-wife, three children, debts worth millions of dollars and a legacy that is unparalleled in its splendour, as well as in its capacity for controversy and debate. Jackson first shot into prominence as youngest member and lead singer of the Jackson Five, a band composed of his brothers and sisters.
Michael Jackson has been called many things – ranging from ‘King of Pop’ to paedophile. The truth is, that even though he has been recognised by many agencies, including Guinness World Records, as the “Most Successful Entertainer of All Time”, Jackson is remembered mostly as the latter, his acquittal in the case of paedophilia notwithstanding.
Scan the internet with the words ‘Michael Jackson’ and the links are innumerable. Few of these are dedicated to Michael Jackson – the man, the musician, the performer or the philanthropist. A majority talk about his obsession with his physical appearance, his multiple surgeries, his strange whims and his love for children. One cannot blame the masses; controversy will always command more attention than a virtuous virtuoso. However, it is only just, at least now, that someone tells Michael Jackson’s side of the story.
Twice inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Jackson was only a child when he started singing. He was the seventh of nine children, but by far the most talented. This didn’t stop his father from tormenting him though. Jackson recalls how his father sat at his practices with a belt in his hand. If he got anything wrong, his father would hold him upside down by the ankle and whip him. Today Michael Jackson attributes the discipline in his life to his father.
Though many people believe that Michael underwent several surgeries that caused him to look ‘freakishly white’, he actually suffered from two diseases – vitiligo and lupus – both of which lightened his skin and made it sensitive to sunlight. It is true that he had four rhinoplasties. The fact that his family mercilessly teased him about his nose far into his teens, the fact that he broke his nose and the fact that his doctor ruined one of his nose jobs doesn’t do the gossip rounds.
One night while Jackson was asleep, his father climbed into his room through the bedroom window, wearing a fright mask and screaming. He said he wanted to teach the children not to leave the window open when they went to sleep. For years afterward, Jackson said he suffered nightmares about being kidnapped from his room. Due to early experiences such as these, Michael believed that innocence should be preserved. He was very fond of children. He constructed Neverland Ranch, valued at a 100 million, and threw it open to underprivileged children. Some children with whom he was especially friendly stayed over at the ranch, like Jordan Chandler. Under the influence of pressure from his father and a controversial sedative, Jordan admitted that Jackson touched him inappropriately. These allegations were blown up and later dismissed by a court which cited lack of evidence, but no one remembers that. Evidence found later showed that the whole case was most probably a sham constructed by Jordan’s father. He was recorded on tape, talking about how he would win millions. Mrs. Chandler - Jordan’s mother - was adamant that Jackson had never been in the wrong. In his second trial, Michael was acquitted of all charges.
Jackson once remarked to a reporter, “Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, ‘I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,’ people would say, ‘Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.’"
Michael Jackson donated millions each to 39 charities he supported, and raised much more for his own Heal the World Foundation. Though Michael Jackson was proven to have many medical conditions that could explain some of his stranger acts, no doctor or anyone else can elucidate upon Michael Jackson, the phenomenon. He was a dancer that astonished the world, a singer that captivated a billion fans and a human who enriched the lives of thousands of disadvantaged children and people. Irrespective of his sexual preference or his skin colour, Michael Jackson never intentionally hurt anyone in 50 years, and that is something that no one can argue against.
"Music has been my outlet, my gift to all of the lovers in this world. Through it, my music, I know I will live forever." – Michael Jackson.
He will live forever.
Neil Maheshwari
- Voltaire.
Fame has claimed many victims in its time. Actors have quit their profession, coaches have refused positions, Presidents have broken down and all kinds of celebrities have complained about the pressures of being in the limelight. Imagine the life of a star that has no rival, the biggest entertainer of all time. Followed by paparazzi, hounded by fans, pestered with favours and pursued by lunatics – he lived with it for four decades.Michael Jackson died on June 25th, 2009 at the age of fifty. He left behind an ex-wife, three children, debts worth millions of dollars and a legacy that is unparalleled in its splendour, as well as in its capacity for controversy and debate. Jackson first shot into prominence as youngest member and lead singer of the Jackson Five, a band composed of his brothers and sisters.
Michael Jackson has been called many things – ranging from ‘King of Pop’ to paedophile. The truth is, that even though he has been recognised by many agencies, including Guinness World Records, as the “Most Successful Entertainer of All Time”, Jackson is remembered mostly as the latter, his acquittal in the case of paedophilia notwithstanding.
Scan the internet with the words ‘Michael Jackson’ and the links are innumerable. Few of these are dedicated to Michael Jackson – the man, the musician, the performer or the philanthropist. A majority talk about his obsession with his physical appearance, his multiple surgeries, his strange whims and his love for children. One cannot blame the masses; controversy will always command more attention than a virtuous virtuoso. However, it is only just, at least now, that someone tells Michael Jackson’s side of the story.
Twice inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Jackson was only a child when he started singing. He was the seventh of nine children, but by far the most talented. This didn’t stop his father from tormenting him though. Jackson recalls how his father sat at his practices with a belt in his hand. If he got anything wrong, his father would hold him upside down by the ankle and whip him. Today Michael Jackson attributes the discipline in his life to his father.
Though many people believe that Michael underwent several surgeries that caused him to look ‘freakishly white’, he actually suffered from two diseases – vitiligo and lupus – both of which lightened his skin and made it sensitive to sunlight. It is true that he had four rhinoplasties. The fact that his family mercilessly teased him about his nose far into his teens, the fact that he broke his nose and the fact that his doctor ruined one of his nose jobs doesn’t do the gossip rounds.
One night while Jackson was asleep, his father climbed into his room through the bedroom window, wearing a fright mask and screaming. He said he wanted to teach the children not to leave the window open when they went to sleep. For years afterward, Jackson said he suffered nightmares about being kidnapped from his room. Due to early experiences such as these, Michael believed that innocence should be preserved. He was very fond of children. He constructed Neverland Ranch, valued at a 100 million, and threw it open to underprivileged children. Some children with whom he was especially friendly stayed over at the ranch, like Jordan Chandler. Under the influence of pressure from his father and a controversial sedative, Jordan admitted that Jackson touched him inappropriately. These allegations were blown up and later dismissed by a court which cited lack of evidence, but no one remembers that. Evidence found later showed that the whole case was most probably a sham constructed by Jordan’s father. He was recorded on tape, talking about how he would win millions. Mrs. Chandler - Jordan’s mother - was adamant that Jackson had never been in the wrong. In his second trial, Michael was acquitted of all charges.
Jackson once remarked to a reporter, “Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, ‘I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,’ people would say, ‘Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.’"
Michael Jackson donated millions each to 39 charities he supported, and raised much more for his own Heal the World Foundation. Though Michael Jackson was proven to have many medical conditions that could explain some of his stranger acts, no doctor or anyone else can elucidate upon Michael Jackson, the phenomenon. He was a dancer that astonished the world, a singer that captivated a billion fans and a human who enriched the lives of thousands of disadvantaged children and people. Irrespective of his sexual preference or his skin colour, Michael Jackson never intentionally hurt anyone in 50 years, and that is something that no one can argue against.
"Music has been my outlet, my gift to all of the lovers in this world. Through it, my music, I know I will live forever." – Michael Jackson.
He will live forever.
Neil Maheshwari
The New Pecking Order
Turned off by the current choice of dishes? Introducing today’s entrée, straight from the African deserts: human flesh! If you licked your lips on reading this line, we recommend treatment. Pronto. And if you felt repulsed (as a normal being should), here’s presenting Cannibalism.
There are different types of cannibalism:
1. Endocannibalism – Eating humans from the same community
2. Exocannibalism – Eating humans from other communities
3. Autocannibalism – Eating oneself.
4. Necrocannibalism – Eating the flesh of a person who is already dead
5. Survival cannibalism – Eating humans when the circumstances are dire.
A very intriguing case of cannibalism came up in Germany in 2002. Armin Meiwes, a computer technician put up an ad on personal websites that read: ‘Looking for a well-built 18-30 year old to be slaughtered and then consumed.’ Armin found his man in masochistic Bernd Brandes. They met on the night of March 9, 2001. What happened next is too gory to be written about in this column. Suffice it to say that in May 2006, Armin was convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment.
Primitive cannibalism exists in Papua (Indonesia) and among tribes in the Andaman Islands and Africa. Self-cannibalism can be a disorder or a matter of choice.
Despite cannibalism being termed barbaric and savage, society has been surprisingly tolerant towards survival cannibalism. In 1972, 16 people were stranded in the Andes Mountains because of a plane crash. During the 70 days that they were marooned on the mountains, the people ate the flesh of those who had died in the crash. In the 19th century, in the event of a shipwreck, straws were drawn to decide who would be the next human victim.
If the entire world was a concrete jungle, cannibals would be at the top of the totem pole. They would replace the lions as the apex predators. Beware of these cannibals who lurk in our midst always on the prowl. Imagine: You are out on a date. As you are having a small talk with your girlfriend, you see a gleam in her eyes. And suddenly, the mask slips and out come her fangs…
There are different types of cannibalism:
1. Endocannibalism – Eating humans from the same community
2. Exocannibalism – Eating humans from other communities
3. Autocannibalism – Eating oneself.
4. Necrocannibalism – Eating the flesh of a person who is already dead
5. Survival cannibalism – Eating humans when the circumstances are dire.
A very intriguing case of cannibalism came up in Germany in 2002. Armin Meiwes, a computer technician put up an ad on personal websites that read: ‘Looking for a well-built 18-30 year old to be slaughtered and then consumed.’ Armin found his man in masochistic Bernd Brandes. They met on the night of March 9, 2001. What happened next is too gory to be written about in this column. Suffice it to say that in May 2006, Armin was convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment.
Primitive cannibalism exists in Papua (Indonesia) and among tribes in the Andaman Islands and Africa. Self-cannibalism can be a disorder or a matter of choice.
Despite cannibalism being termed barbaric and savage, society has been surprisingly tolerant towards survival cannibalism. In 1972, 16 people were stranded in the Andes Mountains because of a plane crash. During the 70 days that they were marooned on the mountains, the people ate the flesh of those who had died in the crash. In the 19th century, in the event of a shipwreck, straws were drawn to decide who would be the next human victim.
If the entire world was a concrete jungle, cannibals would be at the top of the totem pole. They would replace the lions as the apex predators. Beware of these cannibals who lurk in our midst always on the prowl. Imagine: You are out on a date. As you are having a small talk with your girlfriend, you see a gleam in her eyes. And suddenly, the mask slips and out come her fangs…
Sadia Zafar
