She is, after all, Lipi the Loser.
Dear Lipi,
I believe that I am an interesting person, and some people tell me that I have certain good qualities. However, others have made disparaging remarks about me; from my clothes to my voice - and they are not alone. I admit that I often interrupt other people in class and even outside, but it's only because their opinions are irrelevant. Though I have many acquaintances, I lack even a few close friends. How do I bridge the gap?
Ann Noying
Dear Ann,
As of now, I am battling the symptoms of swine flu. I have been coughing for the past week, but it certainly has nothing to do with the chronic cough I've had for the past fifteen years. I will try to answer your query at the earliest.
Love,
Lipi
Dear Lipi,
I have an ex-girlfriend who keeps hitting on me. She’s being very suggestive, but I’m dating the love of my life, and don’t want to cheat on her. However, my ex is very persistent and also very hot, and I’m afraid that I’ll succumb sooner or later. What do I do?
-No-ah Willpower.
Congratulations for have acquired two girlfriends in such a short span of time. In my realm of understanding, even one is monumental. There is an easy solution to your problem - look deep into your heart.
On close examination, you will come to realise that one of them will cause you heartache, the other heartburn. Heartaches are difficult to cure. Heartburns, on the other hand, are irritating beyond belief. The common antacid falls laughably short of providing relief, the heavy-duty ones tend to act as laxatives. Heartburns are thus inconvenient - more so than the odd heartache, which I personally found easier to build an immunity to.
Once you figure out which is which, ditch the heartburn, keep the heartache. It’s the only way.
Love
Lipi
I think I'm in love. How can I be sure though?
-A. More.
Dear More, Ah love. Love love. It's a tricky little thing. This love. Often takes its toll. Sometimes you feel it in your stomach, sometimes in your fingers, or in your toes. Happiness is love. Love is happiness. Friendship, trust, honesty, kindness. Love will keep you alive they say.
Having said all this, there comes a time when you are a loser, and you're surviving just fine without this love. As i am. So ask someone else.
Love, or whatever you would call it,
Lipi
I’m terrified of cats. There’s one in my staircase, and I need someone to come down and take me up to my house every night. I don’t visit friends who have cats. I even get bad dreams about giant ones. Help me.
-Unlucky Felix
Dear Felix,
What aspect of the feline enemy worries you? I, as always, have multiple solutions. You must always carry with yourself:
1. Antihistamine: In case they bring on hives, excessive sneezing, red sores, any form of rash, wheezing or all of the aforementioned. It works wonders for me.
2. Security blanket: To hold on to when your friends are unsupportive.
3. Garlic: Because it isn’t only the black one that brings bad luck.
4. Dog: To scare away the cat that scares you away.
Love,
Lipi
Dear Lipi,
I chew my fingernails all day. So much so, that the matrix is starting to show. All my friends find this habit terribly repulsive, and have taken to avoiding shaking hands with me. Some have started avoiding me altogether. I know I need to stop, but I just can’t bring myself to. What should I do?
- Chinta Mani Cure.
Dear Mr. Cure.
I do sympathise with your predicament. Have you considered Yoga? My guru tells me that the benefits are threefold. First, it increases concentration. You can then spend your time paying attention to things that really matter, like winning back your friends. It might, however, cause you to concentrate even more on biting your nails.
Second, it will promote general good health and well-being, in which case you could dazzle them with wonderfully silky hair, glowing skin, and solid constitution. In my sixteen years of Yoga, I haven’t achieved these, but I do not lose hope, and you shouldn’t either.
Finally, it will do wonders for your flexibility, and you can start chewing your toenails instead, which no one will see and judge you for, unless you are terribly indiscreet.
Love,
Lipi
