You might wonder why you should indulge in activities that are likely to have the effect of estranging the only company you will ever have. The answer is simple: because you can. Besides, by a judicious application of the intelligence you might have acquired by now, you will know just how much irritation is too much. If not, then we all live and learn, don’t we?
It is usually of great advantage to be friendly with a person you detest. In this case, any annoying inner voice that masquerades as your conscience will be duly suppressed, leaving you free to lose as many friends as you wish.
First, you must gather your resources. Settle on which person you are planning to vex, and then systematically formulate a list of actions that are bound to get their goat. Known irritants include tickling, poking, giggling in loud, squeaky voices, and generally making oneself a permanent presence.
If you are not creative enough to think of original methods of irking people, turn to Google. There is an abundance of websites created by people with too much time on their hands that can aid you in your mission. Here, you can find advice like “Demand that everyone address you as ‘Conquistador’” and “Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!” that is bound to fill your empty hours.
Eventually, your friends are bound to turn around and tell you to put a sock in it, presumably referring to your mouth and not to any other orifice, such as the music player that is unconscionably blaring in the background. You must not pay them any heed.
Of course, when you have stopped laughing helplessly, you might realise that you lack far more acquaintances than you knew you had, but nobody can deny that you have had a splendid day of fun.
Mridula Chari
