Malhar's Guardians - Security

Raga sits down with the Organiser-in Charge (OC) and the Organisers (OGs) of Security 2009 to talk about Pride, Honour and Respect.

How would you say Security has evolved over the years?

Ayush Banker (OC Security): Jiggy is the perfect example. He went from student to volunteer to co-ordi to OG to OC next year.
Jignesh Shetty (OG Security): Yeah. Or CP.
Giselle D’Sa (OG Security): We’re funnier this year. Our OCs keep getting shorter.
Mrinalini Sahai (OG Security): I came from WPA and then I evolved like Jiggy. Only Giselle remained co-ordi. Her evolution was retarded.
Maher Mohamed (OG Security): Oh you were WPA? Yuck.
Aidan Lewis (OG Security): Evolved? We’ve evolved from hand frisking to metal detectors and from quantity to quality. HQ dude.

What is your response to people who say Security is a dumb department?

Ayush [aggressively]: Hey!
Giselle: As long as Mrinalini doesn’t talk, people won’t say that.
Mrinalini: Oh. Nobody says that. Just because… oh no I forgot. Giselle always interrupts me when I’m thinking. Don’t write that haan Neil (OG Raga). I know everything, even concerning other departments.
Maher: What do you know about Conclave?
Mrinalini: I know lots. Whats there to know anyway?
Aidan [thinks]: Oh? People say that? Tell these people to meet me some time, some place and we’ll see. Oh WE’LL SEE.

How do you handle your volunteers?

Ayush: I leave it up to my OGs. Jiggy plays dog and the bone with them. Maher buys them chocolates and flowers.
Giselle: We whip them periodically. With a leather belt – it doesn’t show blood you know? Just so they stay in line.
Mrinalini: Oh my god. I make agendas for the meetings. I love my volunteers. I have lots of faith in them.

Tell us about the security chant.

Ayush: I’m not sure really. I think it must have started with some ‘dhakka’ and evolved into dhampa. Hoo ha is just for fun.
Giselle: It’s tradition dude. Pride, Honour and Respect.
Mrinalini: It came from a cricket match.
Aidan: I don’t know where it came from but it’s one of the best things you have ever heard. It gives you goosebumps and leaves you tingly all over.
[talk about dirty variations of the chant]

Do you have any department-related secrets?

Ayush: We can’t tell you. We would have to kill you if we told you.
Giselle: [censored]
Maher: Minnie keeps talking about Ayush’s gleteus maximus.
Aidan: What? Cigarettes? We don’t allow them here.
Raga: No, no. Secrets.
Aidan: MnT – one way equals compulsory exit.

Is there politics in Security?

Ayush: NO. We’re three political science students so there are some politics. We don’t have all that jhol though. There’s controversy, not politics. We also have a hot quota, we’re biased in thatway. But it isn’t political per se.
Mrinalini: No. Security has a lot of good looking people, so no politics.
Aidan: No. Everyone’s too dumb to play politics (refer question 2). Or busy. Or nice. There’s no back biting, just back scratching. Everything is up in your face, dude.

If Malhar was the Olympics, which sport would you play?

Maher: A triathlon. Oh, what’s the one where you play more than one sport? A Decathlon.
Jignesh: The Iron Man.
Mrinalini: I don’t know anything about the Olympics.
Aidan: Shot-put. Because it takes lots of effort to reach your goal. You’ve got to push harder.

Why is it that the OC of Security is almost always a boy?

Ayush [laughs]: Because the last girl OC got arrested. She hit a participant with a bucket.
Mrinalini: Haha. My future is dark now.
Jignesh: Oh good question.
Aidan: Women can’t handle being OC. It’s a sad thing.

Do you have a rival department? Who are they, and why?

Ayush: Not this year. Last year we had assistance. Shruti (VCP M) named us the most fun department (Shruti has told every department that).
Giselle: No one matches up. We’re the coolest department.
Aidan: Raga. You get to write stuff. I always wanted to do that. But I love Raga. It’s a healthy rivalry. I love Raga.
Maher: No man.

Which is your favourite department? Why?

Giselle: Texxx. Because Security + Texxx is a lethal combination. [winks]
Maher: ***** man. WPA. Aidan should be Assistance.
Jignesh: Marketing. Sule!
Aidan: Kaun-clave. It would be so much more relaxing. I mean I think I could handle the stress.

Who is Conrad?

[After considerable thought into the matter]
Jignesh: He’s the OC whose mother doesn’t know he is OC.
Maher: He’s an undercover guard. Oh, he’s Comps OC? I thought Joanita was OC.
Mrinalini: The boy who’s in love with his ‘bubu’.
Aiden: Conrad = physics KT.

What’s up?

Ayush: The 30s and 40s.
Jignesh: Aren’t we doing a Security interview? Yeh Raga log na. Beech mein duniya bhar ki baatein karte hain.
Mrinalini: Ummmm, I don’t want to say.
Giselle’s happy.
Aidan: Oh, you mean interview wise? Tarpaulin and bamboo.

Who’s the most efficient in this department?

Ayush: Jignesh. He has a nice body also.
Giselle doesn’t have a body only. She’s like Tanay (OC Marketing)
Mrinalini: License wise Jiggy, paper wise me.
Giselle: I told you not to talk. Minnie and her co-ordi are stupid.
Aidan: Minnie. She’s also the most stupid. Suppandi is her pet name.

Python is a type of snake. Why do people use Python?

Ayush: Is it a brand of condoms?
Maher: To wrap the Quarternity in. Or Conclave, yeah. [wicked smile]
Mrinalini: Hmmm. Bondage. Major scenario based fornication.
Aidan: To wrap it around them and keep themselves warm.
Raga: Python is actually a computer language. And Aidan, you do know that Pythons kill people like that?

Do you feel secure?

Ayush: Only in Aidan’s arms.
Jignesh [completely out of the blue]: They should dance for me.
Giselle: No, not at all.
Aidan: Not with my OC around. He stares at me like he’s extra happy.

What security measures do you take in daily life?

Giselle: Use a condom.
Mrinalini: Always look left and right before crossing the road. And up and down.
Aidan: Clean underwear, lots of deo and swiss knife in the bag, not in pocket. I always check the train for bombs.

How would you guard Hillary Clinton?

Ayush: I would send Jignesh to be her personal bodyguard. And Giselle would accompany her at night with the Python.
Jignesh: I would throw shoes at her.
Mrinalini: We would do the banana dance and become popular.
Aidan: Basketball style. Point guard.

Do you think you need a watchdog?

Maher: We have ******, don’t we?
Jignesh: Ek hai toh kya karega dog ke saath?
Mrinalini: Watchdog? No.
Aidan: Yes. A loud and annoying one. Rohit Karekar. Write that.

Why ‘Pride, Honour, Respect’?

Ayush: Because it’s the tagline for Apne. I’ve found inspiration from it, about being a family.
Maher: [goes to sleep]
Mrinalini: No, no. It’s from Heroes. What a liar.
Aidan: Fundamental values to live your life with. It’s also better than maro maro maro.

Why do you sell Malhar passes?

Ayush: We seriously don’t. We can let anyone in without a pass anyway. If we find someone selling, we send them to the Security Lounge with Giselle and her python.
Giselle: To get money to send Minnie to smart school.
Mrinalini: We don’t sell. What? I’m serious.
Aidan: I don’t. I would kill anyone who did. If I did I would be a lakhpati with sound investments.

Why are none of the boys in Security clean shaven?

Ayush: Even the women aren’t clean shaven man. For me, the secret is Annapurna atta.
Mrinalini: Because both Giselle and me like facial hair.
Aidan: The rugged look is in this year and OC PR told me that she likes it.

Size is ___

Mrinalini: Big
Giselle: Doesn’t matter.
Ayush: That’s wrong English Giselle. Size is Clyde.
Aidan: Inevitable.
Jignesh: Necessary to be a goal keeper.

If I had a nickel for every time I ___

Mrinalini: Acted stupid, I’ll be damn rich.
Giselle: I’m not going to say. Used my python.
[Mrinalini shouts at her co-ordi for getting a pedicure in the middle of the interview]
Aidan: Burped, Bill Gates would be polishing my shoes three times a day.
Jignesh: I would go to Pritam Dhaba. [After Ayush explains the question to him] Arre I would still go to Pritam Dhaba yaar.

Word Association:

The quartet:
Ayush: Wicked!
Mrinalini: I love VCP M. Bones. Whatever man.
Aidan: Un dos tres quadro!
Maher [scratches head]: Confusing? [To OG Raga] Put four question marks. One for each member of the quartet.

Ayush:
Aidan: Silky smooth hair, rugged exterior. Lots of nice things including his posterior. He owes me beer. Strong and solid. Silky eyebrow. [goes on]

Big:
Aidan: Babool.
Everyone else: [boring]

Bank:
Giselle, Mrinalini and Maher: ker!
Jignesh: Job done.
Ayush: [smiles]

Yours Rightfully, Gay

With the decriminalisation of homosexuality, dawns a new era in the life of Indian society. But truly, how “socially acceptable” is homosexuality? People are still extremely fearful about coming out of the closet – and with good reason. Perhaps they don’t wish to shatter their parents’ dreams of one big happy family with grandchildren galore, perhaps they aren’t quite ready to put themselves “out there” yet, perhaps they’re insecure, frightened about social ostracism.

The opposition to gay marriage in most cultures stems mainly from a deep-rooted homophobia that has been borne out of religious prejudice. While many do not realise that homophobia exists to the extent that it does, it is a very real part of every gay person’s life: just like racism is a very real part of every coloured person’s life. It is there, it is pervasive, and has far more serious consequences for society than most realise.

The arguments against gay marriage are clearly feeble, derisory and insufficient. Claims like same-sex environments are detrimental to the upbringing of a child have been slammed down – if convicted murderers, felons and molesters can raise children, it is ridiculous to hold the sexual orientation of a person as reason enough for him/her to be denied parental rights.

On the morality of gay relationships being questioned the problem lies solely in the interpretation of “freedom of religion”. Freedom of religion implies freedom from religion too. Not all religions oppose homosexuality. On the contrary, certain sects of Buddhism actually respect it. Additionally, many people continue to believe the misinformation from right-wing religious organisations that homosexuality is nothing but a sexual perversion. The reality is that it is multidimensional, and is much more about love and affection than it is about sex.

Homosexual sex is banned in several countries across the world. Heterosexuals would never allow such an intrusion to their private sex lives, but they see nothing wrong in using the power of the State to enforce their views globally.

However, the above mentioned arguments are only the publicly voiced ones. There are several reasons for the opposition of gay marriages that no one talks about openly. The majority of the people are just not comfortable with the idea, and hence oppose it. Societies have long since recognised that allowing civil rights to certain groups may offend some, and at times, even the majority. But that is why constitutional government was established – to ensure that powerless, unpopular minorities can be protected from the tyranny of the majority. Simple discomfort with a proposal is no reasonable basis for not allowing it.

The abolishment of Article 377 is a positive step towards acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual. It appreciates that the minority deserve the same rights that the majority already enjoy.

Shachi Mohta

Big Words

No, I don’t mean pusillanimous or a word with every vowel in it. What I refer to are words with vast connotations and potentially baffling facets that are regrettably being used rather loosely and imposed arbitrarily in our country. Let me speak of two such considerably Big Words.

Take ‘Indian culture’ for instance. We often have a bunch of hooligans with body odour issues telling us what it stands for. They bellow the loudest and tell an entire nation how it’s supposed to live. Any poor unwitting bloke going out for a drink with his lady friend is fair game for these foul-smelling zealots. He shall invariably have his shirt torn and bones broken, to reveal what his lady friend might have to endure would be inappropriate in such a publication. You would be justified in asking, “Why all this hoopla, men?” ‘Tis but in the name of that holier than holiest, humongous, monolithic edifice that ‘Indian Culture’ seems to have turned into.

Try not to speak of the antics of Khajurao or the mind numbing contortions of the Kamasutra, mention not the carnage of infanticide or the culinary habits (which often involved red meat) of the Aryans to these bigots. It would be sagacious to simply keep quiet and be punched in the gut or be molested or both.

Numero Deux, the Youth. Now isn’t that an enormous word? Evocative of images of wrinkle free faces shining with unbridled enthusiasm and overflowing with cock-eyed optimism; strapping lads, clad smartly, walking purposefully, with one eye on the money and one eye on the girl. This appears to be the only image slapped across our T.V screens again and again by the mainstream media. We set about defining what the Youth wants à la upward mobility and mobile phones, more films set in New York than in Bombay, shorter clothes and bigger muscles, IT jobs and vegetarian capriccios. This tepid, one-dimensional understanding of around 500 million Indians from mind bogglingly diverse backgrounds and social predicaments is at best daft.

Why then must we fall into the folly of Big Words? To facilitate Market Research surveys? To render impotent the already insipid mumblings of sociologists about Indian pluralism? To dissemble our ignorance?

Search me, I dun no.

Nachiket Joshi